Tuesday 28 February 2012

NOT SO LUCKY !!!!


I looked at my watch it was 4 in the morning , looked around , it was all dark , realized it was just me sitting in the park all alone. Only a street light next to the bench on which I was sitting ,  was struggling to be alive doing some ‘keerrrrr….keerrrrr’ sound but was with me the whole night as a best friend  , who stays with you all night along before an exam even if he has finished studying just to teach you.

I looked up at the street light , would have got irritated any other day but today I was having sympathy for him , how hard he was trying to protect this bench from darkness but he’s the only one who can never sit on her only see her with other people , I thought ,” How painful it is to see love of your life with some other guy and all you can do is nothing” . I wanted to hug that street lamp , say him ”don’t worry buddy , it happens be strong I wish one day she will realize your love for her.” But It would have been lame so I stood up and started walking , winking to street lamp and saying ,”enjoy” , in reply he glowed for like  30 seconds which he never did the whole night as if he was saying ,”Thank you”.

As I was not having office today so thought to walk back home , my hand was hurting ,  I looked at my hand , the blood was still coming out , I said to myself this only happens when a drunk guy dresses up your wound. But I was hurting more than it usually does , why? Maybe the wound wasn’t the only thing hurting , there was something else also  , which was hurting in my body…. Heart, yes it was my heart which was broken last night. She broke it but why? That’s what I was thinking the whole night. My whole life  just got rewinded in front of my eyes .

How lucky I used to be , have the best family in the world , such good friends but never been in love and  was too sure would never fell for such crap things. But 2 months ago I got shifted to city of joy , for my new job . Initially we had an induction programme , this was the first time I saw her , when somebody sitting in my row said , ” hey check out that hottie.” I looked at her said , “ hmmm nice “ and got back to my induction programme.
Our induction got over by 6 , we were about to leave , suddenly our manager said ,” guys wait we have one more thing left “ , I said ,” bloody hell…” off course in my mind.

Manager,” guys , you all would be divided into groups , from tomorrow onwards each group would  be assigned a cabin…. Blah blah blah…. Now please get introduced to each other by yourself. And you can leave for the day. To my surprise that hottie , one more guy and I was in one group. I looked up and said ,” god how could you be so generous today , but what about those long hour train journeys I had all alone and that time I used to pray you for F-18 to F-22 and when I didn’t wanted any distractions you gave me one.” Suddenly a voice ended my session with god ,” hi… Shruti … Shruti kapoor “ , It was the first time I saw her face so clearly and said to myself ,” man!! what was I missing from morning… so beautiful,” again she said , “ Hey I am shruti ….. same group.” This time I got bit hurried , wanted to reply her but damn i forgot my name  , what was my name, what should I do? Ummm yes my Id Badge has my name , I grabbed my id , looked and said ,” Nitesh.. Nitesh  jha.”

She looked at me laughing,” are you really employed with this company or just faking off with someone else’s ID ”

I was so spell bound that was not able to think , but had to reply so said ,” no sachi , I got job…… I can show you my joining letter and also having PAN Card…….. it was just that you are so beautiful”. Shit what did I say , now what will she think about me , I cursed myself.

She busted out with laugh,” oh it was so cute and funny… by the way you can flirt…. Don’t worry I believe you… Bye see u tomorrow”.

I said,” bye…”. Was mesmerised by her voice, it was damn cute  but again a voice broke my concentration, “hey , Lalit…. Your other group member “
I was like who the hell  but controlled myself ,” hi Nitesh… u smoke..”.
Lalit ,” well sometimes…. K lets go”
********************************************************
In few days shruti, lalit and me, we all became good friends . Now I was feeling much more lively , I started considering myself as one the most luckiest guy on this planet. I had a good friend , we shared same apartment and Shruti  was like my life , initially I wanted us to be just friends but if you are friends with any girl eventually any of you would start  getting  feelings. And in this case it was me. Her behaviour towards me made me feel that she was caring for me a lot , I still remember when she used to force me to have dinner when I worked late at office , when she used to wait for me after office , when she nursed me when I was down with fever. When she used to call me with my nick name which she gave to me . Her cute messages , her fight with lalit to sit beside me , me picking her up from PG. Me cleaning her lips when she used to drink milkshake and get a moustache , the touch was amazing. When she used to get angry when I was drunk, when she used to throw cigarette from my mouth and used to make faces. All those memories are in my heart like a scrap book.

It was about two months since I was friends with shruti and was madly in love with her, but haven’t proposed her  yet . When one day she said her parents are searching a groom for her  , I became restless. I decided to propose her on this coming Saturday. I booked a nice table in one of the most romantic places in city of joy. Though I invited lalit because I wanted to surprise her or she would have guessed. As Saturday was approaching my heartbeat was beating much faster than it usually does . Finally the day arrived, I haven’t seen Shruti from past 5 days. I was too excited , I was singing the whole day . In evening I went to that restaurant an hour early, made manager to do all the setup.

It  was 9 , Shruti was about to arrive , I was looking at the entrance. Suddenly I saw a shadow approaching towards the entrance , a sweet fragrance filled the whole room , oh my god , it was shruti, in white dress , like just an angel came down from heaven wrapping moonlight on her body , I felt like I almost skipped a heartbeat . She came sat on the table and said . “ hi”

I,” Hi ..you are looking gorgeous”

She,” yes special occasion naa”

I became happy and said to myself ,“ dude your gonna get a YES  for sure today”

Suddenly lalit arrived sat beside Shruti , putting his hands over Shruti’s Shoulder , I was surprised , I felt like killing him, my eyes grew wide  and there was an awkward silence in the  whole room.

Shruti saw the blood in my eyes and understood that I was feeling a little weird and jealous about this whole lalit touching her , she said ,” look nitesh , we were about to tell you , that we are together .

I said to myself ,” why she’s calling me by my name.. she used to call me XX” , I felt like someone else is talking to me.

” look dude, you are one of the closest person in our life , don’t want to hide anything from you.”lalit said ,” man remember two weeks before when you were whole night in the office for whole week , it happened that week only, it was raining on monday, I was dropping shruti to her PG but  shruti got wet. I told her to dry her clothes in our flat and then I’ll drop her . after getting in we had beers ,we got high and you know. . . . . understand”

I was just speechless , lost all my power to think and understand , my best friend just stole the best moment of my life , I was crying from inside , never felt that way in my life before .

“look nitesh , I know you are shocked , we wanted to give you a surprise” shruti said

“ you surely did” , I said with a weeping heart , controlling my emotions from outside.

“But why you called both of us here , is there any good news you wanted to give” Shruti again said.

I didn’t had anything to say , just gulped down the peg  , some tear drops fell from my eyes . Shruti shouted ,” hey how many times I asked you not to drink , see how hard the drink was , water came out from your eyes.” Shruti took a tissue and started wiping the salt water. This is the last romantic moment I would ever have in my life with her , I said to myself.
I just took her hands in mine , stopped her and said , “ hey my angel  this was a surprise for both of you guys “ I looked towards lalit and said ,” hey idiot stop giving me poses and give me a hug “.

I hugged them for about 10 minutes and my eyes became wet. I don’t know those tears were of joy or sorrow , since I was having both the feeling at the same time.

Shruti was also crying , she asked,” how you got to know ? It was a secret”
I said ,” you know me I am awesome . anyway this is your night .enjoy yourself “ signalled waiter to start all the thing which I had planned for myself.

Went to lalit , took the ring out of my pocket and said ,” man , I think this is yours.” Turn around and left  , lalit shouted ,” hey man , thanx”. But I just walked away or I would have cried again .

I rushed out of that place , I needed some fresh air , the scene of lalit hugging shruti was killing me , I was so restless , wanted to go home , put my head in my mothers lap and cry . But we men are taught to be strong  from chilhood, we can’t cry  , tears are only for girls , bloody shit . I was so furious I punched a glass window of a car . blood started coming out of my fist , but this pain was nothing compared to my what I suffered  just an hour ago . I saw a man coming towards me , when he came closer , I came to know he was drunk . He saw me and just hugged me. I said ,” what are you doing? Back off.”

He said  ,” boss so sorry , manager of the restaurant just told me what happened with you tonight , you really are a nice guy” looked at my injured palm and said ,“hey  you need first aid ,  I have kit in my car” , he took out a first aid box and applied some lotion , though it was burning but it was helping me to take off my mind to what I faced today, but at least for a moment.

When he was done he asked ,” where should I drop you “
“any peaceful place , where I can sit alone “ I said .
He dropped me at this park , where I was sitting,  don’t know from what time  . Now I am walking on a road which looks like it won’t end for rest of my life.

“Nitesh… Nitesh” , someone is taking my name , I turned around , hey its lalit , lalit .” hey buddy where were you entire night , shruti was pretty tensed “
”nothing just wanted to give you guys some alone time  in apartment so I was in park“ I lied.
Lalit,” thanx man… yeah we had a special night … “

I understood what he wanted to say what kind of special night they had , It was like the last nail in my coffin . I just hugged him and saw sun rising slowly  , I said ,” that’s what friends are for “. But I know It is not a beginning  , just another chapter of my life closed…….









Saturday 18 February 2012

I WROTE A LETTER TO MYSELF


           
Dear Nitzs,
Hey man wassup , I know you must be fine, I know you. I also know how  you are feeling today , bit sad na . RIGHT…… I know I m right. But dude listen one thing and remember this for rest of your life. Don’t ever…… ever ever ever ever  fall in love. Actually I am writing this letter for future  ,  whenever you feel like felling in love just read this letter .  Let me tell you what happened almost a month ago(the day when actually something bad ever happened in your life). You were happy as always u were  , rather say me because you and me are same its just the timeline which differenciates us.
So coming back to me , I was feeling like I was on the top of the world , reason a girl , actually I met a girl few days ago , we started chatting on FB , then exchanged our mobile nos , we messaged a lot , we shared everything .  I don’t know how? but we developed a bonding between us , atleast I thought that way.  I felt so good in the morning  whenever  she used to message me “good morning……. Wake up dear…… J” , it used to make my day.
We used to talk almost everynight , we shared what we did the whole day , I used to sleep by hearing her voice. Man it was such a great feeling , may be I was in love , not due to her looks but by her nature , her way of talking , her emotions, the care she  used to show towards me ,  expressions she used to give me. Man I was so much in love .
But I was not as lucky as I thought , suddenly the frequency of our talking decreased , I thought she might be busy these days and after some days we’ll get back to our normal routine , but this continued , though I had that that ‘missing somebody feeling’ inside me but I tried to be normal , at least in front of her and my friends , but still I had that burning feeling in my heart , I wanted her that badly , I missed her a lot , whenever I was not in touch with her my favourite time pass was to browse her profile , her pics , at least I had her on my laptop if not beside me.
One fine day , I am calling this day as a   fine day  because it taught me a very important lesson of my life , so one fine I got back early from my office as I haven’t talked with her in morning so I opened her fb profile , was checking her pics suddenly I saw  some guy wrote something on her wall , I checked all comment and was so surprised ,because her comment were the  same as she used to message me , I said to myself “ dude these are lines you used to get  in your inbox, these are yours , how can she  say these lines to that damn b####y guy , these are mine” , I felt same as I used to feel in my childhood days when my sister used to sleep on my mom’s lap. I felt like crying , actually I cried. I was feeling so empty , she gifted my heart to a random guy , which I gifted to her. I controlled mys emotions , I am good at fooling my heart , just patted my heart and said “buddy don’t worry you are with her and always be.”
I packed my bag , applied for leave in my office , went directly to airport and took  the first flight available to her city. Reached around at 12 am , checked in a hotel  , messaged her “hey what’s your address I want to send you birthday card , its coming na…. pls send.” Her reply came within a moment “ XXXXXXXXXXX…..” it was damn long message. I messaged her back “ at what time will you leave to your office…..”.
She” around 9 am….. but y??”
Me”juz like dat….. J…… ” , actually I wanted to surprise her , wanna see that smile on her face when she would see me , because that would be for me , ONLY FOR ME. . .
She  ”ok…..  what  are you  doing”
Me ”nothing just going 2 sleep…… gud n8 will msg u in morning….. bye take care till then”
She ”Ok bye…..gud n8”.
I went to sleep but couldn’t as I was too excited to meet her  , hug her , man I seriously wanna feel the warmth of the first hug I would give to her.
Don’t know when night ended. when I saw my mobile, it was 7 in the morning. I got up and was too happy that I am gonna  meet her finally J .  wore my favourite shirt as it was her also.
Reached her PG around 8:30 am , waited there for her , time was just not passing by , but I controlled my heart , told him ” dude just few minutes more” , I saw it was 9 but she didn’t came out , I still waited  and waited and waited . she came out from her Pg around 10 ,  I stood up and was about to call her, saw a guy stopped his bike in front her , she hopped on his bike . I rushed towards a taxi and told the driver to follow her. He gave me a weird look  , I showed him a  1000 note . He started his taxi and we were following her. They stopped in front of a CCD  , went inside , I followed them. Took a corner seat from where I could hear her.
She” oh man It’s been so long…… so happy 2 see u   ”
Mr x “  yeah dear , i was also waiting for this day…… but why u replied  so late  last night”
She” nothing……. A friend was messaging me…… i messaged him or he would have disturbed me whole night……”
Mr x” when did he message u ??”
She” around 12 was asking about my address …. Don’t know y??”
I checked my mobile , shit man I was the only one who messaged her and asked her about address. So finally I started getting the whole story  , why messaging and calling went down.
Suddenly that guy went to the counter to get something , now I was able to see her face , I don’t know what happened but  I forgot everything what she told about me to Mr x. I was just looking at her face ,  suddenly my phone beeped , my attention broke , I saw it was message from her “ hey swee ….. sorry I forgot to message u…… wake up late ….. I had 2           rush to office…… anyway  hav food n take care”.  I replied her” sure , u also take care….”
That guy came back to table with a tray , they started eating , I sat their just cursing myself man , why did this happened to me , I loved her so much , what went wrong. I never hurted her , I always took care  of her , never made her cry . I was weeping from inside  , I felt like crying but controlled my tears as I didn’t want to grab her  attention. Didn’t want to make her day bad and embarrass her  in front of that guy because  she may lose him as I lost her. I stood up, went to washroom closed the door started flush and shouted” Ahhhhh………..” . tears started coming out. I cried their for almost 15 minutes , came out.
Saw they were almost leaving , as she walked towards the door , I felt like someone just tore my chest  and took my heart and walking away ….. I  was  helplessly watching my heart going away . I followed them  , they both were standing with their hands holding . they hugged , I felt like someone is taking my dreams away , this was my hug  , I should have been that guy , holding her hands . I again felt like shouting  .  I tried stopping my but my tears  rolled down my cheek  , I put my head down to wipe my tears , again I looked up , I was shocked , they were kissing , I couldn’t look more , just turned around and walked away .
I was walking in  my burning thoughts that I want to  kill that guy , suddenly heard a sound , kind of something happend , and what I remember next is that I woke up in a hospital. My mom was sitting beside me  , her hands  was on my forehead , eyes full of tears. But the first thing I remembered was my angel kissing that guy. I was not able to control myself , I hugged my mom and started crying like anything , I was so weak that I felt unconscious again .  When I opened my eyes next time  my dad asked” son. What were u doing in delhi …..”. I couldn’t answer him. May be he understood  I don’t want to talk about that.
Later I got to know that I was ran over  by a bus  , I was almost in a comma for 5 days , doctor told my family that my heart beat was very high  which is a rare case.  And this is me after one month recovering from my accident  , didn’t even had  a  look at my mobile even once , as my mom gave me  her ‘KASAM’ , as she saw my mobile and understood everything . she might have messaged  me but I don’t know.
So dear future nitesh don’t ever get involved with a girl because this won’t only break your heart but would also make your parents cry. But I know this heart won’t understand anything , It  will beat as hard as  it is beating now. ……….  But I  wrote this because someone told me “best way to express your emotions is through writing………….”. And I don’t have anybody to express my emotions right now …….. hope this would have went right………. But life don’t give you everything you want…………